• On a good day you're a half-wit.

  • You are deficient in all that lends character.
  • You have the personality of wallpaper.
  • You are dank and filthy.
  • You are asinine and benighted.
  • You are the source of all unpleasantness.


You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. The only thing worse than your logic is your manners.


Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, study, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.



You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, Byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystrophic, stifling, uncaring,  grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing,  poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, and socially-retarded.

  • You're an idiot.
  • A moron of the highest order.
  • You're so stupid it's a wonder you can remember to breathe.
  • Intelligent ideas bounce off your head as if it were coated with Teflon.
  • Creative thoughts take alternate transportation in order to avoid even being in the same state as you.
  • If you had an original thought it would die of loneliness before the hour was out.
  • On an intelligence scale of 1 to 10 (10 corresponding to the highest attainable IQ) you're rating is so far into negative numbers that one would need to travel into another quantum reality in order to even catch a distant glimpse of it.
  • Your personality is that of a rabid Chihuahua intent on destroying its own tail.
  • Your powers of observation are like that of the bird who keeps slamming into the picture window trying to get that other bird it keeps seeing.
  • You are walking, talking proof that you don't have to be sentient to survive, and that Barnum was thinking of you when he uttered his immortal phrase regarding the birth of a sucker.
  • You are, at varying times, tedious, boring, earth shatteringly hilarious in your idiocy, childish, moronic, pathetic, wretched, disgusting and pitiful.
  • You are wholly without any redeeming social grace or value.
  • If God ever decides to give the planet an enema you'd better run like the wind because anywhere you stand is a suitable place for The Insertion.
  • There is no animal so disgusting, so vile that it deserves comparison to you, for even the lowest, dirtiest, most parasitic member of the animal kingdom fills an ecological niche. You fill no niche. To call you a parasite would be injurious to the thousands of honest parasitic species.

You are worse than vermin, for vermin do not pretend to be what it is not. You are truly human garbage. You are a fraudulent, lying, predatory charlatan. You are of less worth than a burnt-out light bulb. You will forever live in shame. You have nothing to say, and Godwin's Law does not apply when writing about you.


  • You are the anti-Midas, for all that you touch becomes valueless and unusable. Mothers gather their children close when you appear.
  • You are an aberration, a corruption, a boil that needs to be lanced. You are a poison in need of being vomited.
  • You are a tooth so rotten it infects the whole body.
  • You are sperm that should have been captured in a condom and flushed down a toilet.