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Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat
You know stuff about cars
A five day vacation requires only one suitcase
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter
You can open all your own jars
Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight
Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind
When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview
You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go
You can go to the bathroom with out a support group
Your last name stays put
You can leave a hotel bed unmade
When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you
You can kill your own food
The garage is all yours
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
You never have to clean the toilet
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
Wedding plans take care of themselves
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack
You don't have to shave below your neck
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite
If you're 40 and single nobody notices
You can write your name in the snow
Everything on your face stays its original color
Chocolate is just another snack
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
Flowers fix everything
You never have to worry about other people's feelings
Three pair of shoes are more than enough
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid
Car mechanics tell you the truth
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut
You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area
One mood, all the time
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing
Same work more pay
Gray hair and wrinkles add character
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments
You don't mooch off others' desserts
The remote is yours and yours alone
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked
You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom
If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed
If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies
Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood
You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny
If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
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